Monday, April 18, 2016
Depression is taking hold. I find loss unbearable also realising the relationships I worked for failing and I don’t know what to do. I feel utterly alone and very depressed.
In an attempt to improve matters I went on a cruse and ended up in hospital with a heamatoma which is bleeding on the outside of my brain. Two weeks in intensive care saw the end of the problem but then the death of my eldest son, That was twelve months ago
I can no longer find a reason to get up in the morning, . Depression is a very dark, difficult thing to deal with and unless they’ve been there people don’t understand. I have two other sons one who has depression.
I reasoned with myself that they had left home and would be able to get over my death and go on to have happy lives. Things have gotten so bad that all I could think about was suiside. I even called life line and they even hung up on me. I was alone totally alone with the electric company cutting off my power for not paying there bill.
Realising I needed help I relied on close friends who listened to my woes and my son saying pay the bill. Then I was hit with a fine by the police for not stopping at a stop sign I fought it but they would not listen or give me a court day so I will pay there fine for my own sanity.
For me there was a limit to how much I could be helped in that environment, much of my illness surrounded the circumstances of my life and only I could change them.
After a lot of soul searching I decided I should do the hardest thing I could think of hit the road.
I had to put myself in a situation where I would literally have to fight for my survival every day instead of thinking about how to end my life.
While others might decide to lay on a beach or take time off work my solution was a world away from any conventional approach to beating depression.
I thought about going off camping but that had many difficulties. I wanted a place that could be a proper home and was mobile. I had built a gypsy caravan, and was going to set off into the back roads of Australia.
I had no gypsy heritage or any former interest in or knowledge of that kind of lifestyle except for ten years with a motor home. I am just sick of the rat race and wanted a simple life living off the countryside and that seemed a good way of doing it.
My gypsy wagon was to be pulled by my car which was not really what I wanted
No one knows why the need to escape routine.
The decission was then made I will buy a motor home it had to be four wheel drive to really get away.
Knowing from years before in another motor home it was the kindness of strangers that helped me to see life could be worth living.
I met many people along the way (including a wife who has since long gone on her own,) and their kindness was one of the biggest things in helping me to feel better and rediscovering my desire to live.
Horse drawn vehicle is not going to happen as the distances and lack of water would be to limiting in Australia.
Everywhere I went people wanted to talk to me. So the decission has been made I am going off on a new journey I will take small steps at first and then do a final break away in the near future. I have a travelling companion Teddy the dog and a one legged Humpry teddy bear.
THE JOURNEY IS BEGINING.
More up dates in the future.